Today I’m writing an article a little bit more personal and different. I’ve said many times that I wanted to address mental health on this blog but I’ve only written a couple articles and I feel like they were pretty watered down. In the future I’d like to start writing more detailed articles about my personal experience. One idea I’ve had was a serie focused on my struggles with social life.
Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about friendship and it was in fact a recurring thought while I was depressed last month. Those past 5 years my social life have changed tremendously, partly because I’ve parted ways with many people getting into uni and also because I’m not seeing the same people as I was before being in a serious relationship with my boyfriend. The first reason I think is pretty normal and common, most of my friends just went to another school or started working. The other reason is a bit more specific I think. Being in a relationship doesn’t mean you have to cut the with old friends but I was friend with mostly men and it’s true that it could be ambiguous sometimes, which is why i decided to cut ties with some of them and others just stopped talking to me. Anyway, in the end I had little friends left and most of them were far away from me since I’ve moved to pursue university.
I am not a very shy person but I would describe myself as socially awkward. I love to talk to people and I will talk to stranger often enough but I think my issue might be that I’ll say anything that’s on my mind and it can get pretty weird easily which drives people away. Another problem I have is that I don’t trust people and It takes quite a lot for me to consider someone a friend. Probably because of things that happened to me in the past (I might discuss it in an article). All of that means that I struggle a lot making friends. Honestly I have mostly acquaintance and only a few people that are really close to me. I guess I could also say that I am not very confident in myself as far as social interactions goes. I often think people hate me or they find me too weird.
I now have a few small groups of friends that I met in different situations. I am pretty happy and comfortable with that but the thing is that in all those groups I feel like it’s always the same. I feel like even though I am in the group, I am still the outcast. I am always the least important person. I am never the first one people will talk to. I am the one people forget or the one people don’t like but tolerate. Sometimes I will tell myself it’s all in my head or it’s not my fault, it’s just that those people were tired or just distracted if they forgot me. But the fact that things keep happening, not with only one group of friends but with all of them… it’s pretty unsettling.
Since we spend so much time together, I’ve become friend with a lot of my boyfriend’s friends. Some more than others. We have a couple of groups in common but it’s always the same: he is the one who knew them first and introduced me. I think I fit in quite well and I’ve got quite close to many of them I now call friend. But things keep happening. People will always (and in this case I really mean always) invite him and just assume he will tell me and I’ll come along, Its really rare that I get personally invited to group stuffs. People will also text him or literally anyone else for details about a party even tho I am the one throwing it. (And often get mad when I point that out) Honestly I think I will always be X’s girlfriend more than their friend.
One thing that has happened a lot is that when planning a night out or something like that we will always try and pick a date everyone can come. It’s common that we’ll change the date to accommodate someone’s need. But I feel like it’s less important if it’s me. I’ve literally filled spreadsheet and synchronised agenda and still be left out. It also happened that people wouldn’t push the date for me to come, even though they could have easily. I also sometimes feel like the friendship is one-sided. Like I know I often see random things and go “Oh this friend of mine would love that” and send a picture or just tell them later. All kind of little attentions like that that I never get exept from maybe two people.
I am almost never told big changes that happened for my friends. I am the one that will not understand the inside joke because I wasn’t aware of it. I am the one who would be invited only last minute. I am the one that would be call the wrong name. I am the one it’s ok if I don’t attend the party. I am the one who would be left out if there was not enough room for us all. I am the disposable one. The one people don’t really need around if there isn’t a sit that needs to be filled.
Now I know that all of this can seem dramatic and that I come across as a brat but those are my feelings. They may not be very positive and they may be a little bit too paranoid but they are still valid. Maybe it is really all in my head, but at the end of the day it is still what I feel. I still suffer from those thoughts. I still feel like I am not really loved. Whether it’s really the truth or Not, it is still the reality to me.
I think that’s It, my lovely person. I am aware this must be weird to read a giant complain but I really hope maybe it can be relatable to someone out there, and maybe make them feel like they are not alone. Like other people share their pain. Like other people understand what it is to feel disposable.